What not having my period for 4 months taught me

Menstruation. Period. Moon time. There are different names for the same manifestation: The shedding of the uterus lining after our body recognises that we are not pregnant. A natural cleanse and release (most) women experience every month, usually from the age of 12 until the menopause after the age of 45-50. 

Many names, each followed by a certain connotation. “Menstruation” is very clinical, very much explanatory. It’s the word medical textbooks would use. “Period” reminds me of an ending, like a dot at the end of a sentence. Our bleeding is kind of an ending, but also a beginning. Still, this word for me has a negative connotation as well, like a definite finish, not the flow of death and birth that I want to feel into. Both names carry the weight of annoyance that we are taught to feel during our bleeding. A nuisance. A bother. But is it really that annoying? Is it really something that we better get over with or rid of as fast as we can? Nowadays gynaecologists even recommend to take the baby pill continuously with a break every so and so many months. We hide our stains and our scents with perfumed pads, our tiredness and cravings, our need to snuggle and to be alone. Granted, some women have severe cramps during their menstruation, some are not able to get out of bed for days. Others have an easy flow and don’t feel any emotional impact. I believe that attitude is a big part of how sever or soft our cycles can be (hashtag lovetheeself!), as well as diet and overall lifestyle. This will have a little influence on this entry but is surely enough for another one. 

So I prefer the word “moon time”. It connects us to the never-ending waxing and waning of the little companion of our planet, like the lining of our womb is waxing and waning. Some women are very synchronised to the cycle of the moon, bleeding on new moon and ovulating around full moon. Some others bleed on full moon. And some bleed in between… Nevertheless is the description of “moon time” the one that resonates the most with me. It’s part of the attitude of healing that I want to talk about in this post. Or lets say MY attitude, the one that I chose to heal my relationship with my menstruation / period / moon time. 

But before we go into the subject here a little DISCLAIMER: I am not saying that you need to be a person with a all the fully functioning reproductive organs of a woman to be connected to feminine wisdom and inner power. Nothing of this is intending to lower men or transgender/gender fluid persons or any person who doesn’t or can’t have a menstrual cycle. This post describes my process, journey and attitude towards this subject and is meant to maybe help others to relate in a softer way to their body and cycles. 

Amenorrhea/Polycystic ovary syndrom 

When a woman is not menstruating for three months or more in a row it’s called Amenorrhea. There are two types: Primary Amenorrhea is when a girl is not menstruating until her 16th birthday. Secondary Amenorrhea is when a woman doesn’t have her period for several months in a row without being pregnant or in menopause. The reasons vary from weight gain or loss to hormone imbalances and more. My diagnosis was Polycystic Ovary Syndrom (PCOS). In short that means that my ovaries produced follicles with immature eggs that never triggered ovulation. The levels of the hormones estrogen and progesterone were low, while the male hormone androgen increased. All that disrupted my menstrual cycle, leaving me without my period for four months. The reason? I don’t know. It could have been emotional stress during the start of the pandemic, people leaving in a hurry, the hysteria, the uncertainty. It could have been the impact of the intense healing process I was going through after a harsh breakup. It could have been increased exercising and diet change because I was in a yoga school doing a 300h Yoga Teacher Training. It could have been something else; or all of it. Fact is that I was waiting for my body to renew, to die and to be reborn. I was aching for the releasing, for the cleansing. As weeks passed without any blood I was even yearning for the cravings, the cramps, the tiredness; the bloated belly, the pain in my lower back, the stains in my underwear, the self-consciousness about spots on clothes. The horniness, the moods, the tears which turn into maniacal laughter. I was missing it all. It made me realise how much I need this change in my body, this break that my period allows me to take. How even me feeling like a woman was kind of dependent on it. How I was growing insensitive and numb. I stopped waiting. I told myself that it would come when I was be more relaxed. Maybe it would have happened eventually. 

But not realising the uterine lining for several months can heighten the risk of endometrial cancer. Hormonal changes can cause depression and anxiety. Infertility.

After a treatment with progesterone I bled. I released. I got reborn. I learned to appreciate my body that is able to shed old energy and to make space for new beginnings. One day to give new life space until it is ready to greet the world. It made me understand the wisdom my body carries, the miracles it is able to perform. I learned about self-love and self-care; about self-respect and what the lack of it can do to me. To us. I understood that our whole world, the universe is made out of cycles, repeating themselves in so many beautiful wonderful ways. And I am learning to see and to honour them. I am learning also about my sexuality, mystical and powerful. I am healing it. I am learning about my body, looking at it in entirely new ways. Really looking at it. At me. A lot of shame is stuck with looking at our bodies, with appreciating it exactly the way it is. I am healing that as well. 

It taught me how I want to take care of myself when I am in my moon. With hot water bottles and cookies/chocolate, with blanket castles and soft gentle yoga, with nourishing books, videos, topics, silence, with wide and comfy pants. With space for myself and no space for obligations or excuses because I am not doing anything wrong! With self-love and tons of understanding when I catch myself being annoyed about my body not “functioning” the same “as usually” or complaining about my period or feeling gross, like I learned in years to do.

After all things and times are just as sacred and important as we acknowledge them to be. And as we make them. It is chaos, yes. But so is life. An infinite creative chaos, repeating itself through our bodies. 

Thank you for allowing this post into your life. I hope and I wish you a beautiful journey of learning and loving yourself! 

For further reading, inspiration and where I got my information from:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s